by Luciana Franicevic 30.06.25
People pleasing. The phrase has become a psychological slur lately—something to purge, shame and detox from like from a sugar addiction or a stalkerish ex.
And to be fair, yes… when we’re bending over backwards to meet everyone else’s needs and wants and whims without even knowing what our own are, things do tend to go to shit pretty fast. Speaking from experience, you can be sure of that.
You end up living your life as if it were a group project. Everyone gets a say. Everyone gets to have an input. Yay for confusion! And indecision. And often, inactivity. Somehow though, you end up being the one pulling all-nighters and carrying the emotional load of all these great ideas and wishes. You read the room better than you read your own body. Better than you even sense your own cold/ hot, hungry, tired signals…You collect feedback like a nervous intern. And all the while, your inner compass—the one quietly signaling with fatigue, resentment, or dreams you are not living—is ignored like a spam folder.
Eventually, you wake up one day next to a stranger… and that stranger is You. Eeek.
But what happens if People Pleasing isn’t the villain in the story? People pleasing, like a whole heap of stuff in life, isn’t inherently evil. It’s contextual and messy. And, believe it or not, it can even be a damn superpower—if it is used with awareness and not as a default mode.
Because sometimes it’s wise to smooth things over. Sometimes we are too boundaried. Sometimes compromise is more useful than expressing your feelings. Sometimes the moment calls for harmony, not heroics.
When we paint people pleasing as always bad, we’re ignoring its roots in relationship, community, and—gasp—social responsibility. Humans are wired to cooperate. To care. To say, “Sure, I’ll help with that” without turning it into an existential boundary crisis. I have seen multiple people being cut off from someone’s life for being branded toxic and a person calling this their boundary work. Sometimes this is necessary. Sometimes it is extremely intolerant and it signals more to the inflexibility and lack of ability to accept people and life for their flaws than anything much else.
Boundaries don’t have to sound like threats
Modern psychology has become hyper-individualistic. It is steeped in a Western, “me-first” model and in my experience, it often forgets we’re not (meant to be) living on emotional islands.
Yes, boundaries are important. Super important actually.
But no, they don’t need to sound like a cease-and-desist letter.
Some of us—especially those from cultures that value kinship, community and a sense of duty —hear the boundary talk and flinch at times. Not because we’re weak. But because the tone can feel brutal. Or like the feelings and experiences of the other, actually do not matter.
So – what would happen if we started to think of boundaries as bridges instead of concrete walls?
Instead of shame-spiraling every time we say Yes when even a part of us maybe wanted to say No – what if we paused and checked up on ourselves? What if we stopped to check the deeper story?
- Is this choice aligned with my values?
- Is this people pleasing or is it compassion for the other person or situation?
- Am I abandoning myself or am I choosing to do this for the sake of this relationship right now?
We don’t talk enough about balance in this space. We rarely say: “It depends.” Or “Maybe pleasing this person, in this moment, feels right to me.” Remember, things are rarely ever so Black or White in human experience. And I think that in psychology, we sometimes unintentionally make it so. And in life, of course. It is easier. Just categorize it and be done with it. But, this often is not very helpful nor healthy. Balance is an art and it takes effort and practice. But it also helps us build self trust. And that matters significantly.
Here’s the radical bit: You Get to Choose
You can honour your desire for harmony and have a backbone. It is possible.
You can make a sacrifice and know your worth at the same time.
You can say Yes without it meaning you’ve sold your soul.
Two truths can coexist and we do not give that enough space at times.
Swinging from being a victim to militant boundaries is not where it is at. It’s about discernment. It’s about owning your Yes’es as much as your no’es. It’s about learning to trust your inner signals and experiences—your body, your head, your dreams, your gut—so you’re not living life on other people’s terms. But you are also not discarding other’s experiences either.
So next time you catch yourself people pleasing, don’t just reach for the shame stick.
Ask yourself:
Is this coming from fear—or from love?
Is this a reflex—or a choice?
And if it’s a choice – go ahead! Please them. Boldly. Softly and on purpose.